Foonpeste (L,P ens, let wel)

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Vanoggend, soos letterlik twee, drie keer per dag bel hierdie vreemde nommer (ooglopend 'n oorsese nommer – ek was lank genoeg deur die vorige regime lastig geval om nou doodseker te maak ek het 'n rekord van elke inkomende oproep op my landlyn) en die monotone stem beduie elke keer dat hy my bel oor my Windows-rekenaars wat blykbaar probleme besorg. Logies, as ek die nommer sien, gooi ek by die aanhoor van die Malema-agtige monotoon stem by default neer.

Tot vanoggend, want ek is behoorlik gatvol vir hierdie kak en baie lus om hierdie spul se tyd bietjie te mors. Die gesprek het min of meer soos volg gebeur:

"Hellooooo, it is Ahmed from [ek kan nou nog nie daardie naam onthou nie], I call in connection with your Windows computer. Are you Mr Oyster?" Alles in monotoon met 'n baie swaar Rooi aksent.
"Yes I am. You must make it quick, I've got customers waiting."
"Yes, I am calling you in connection with your Windows computer..."
"Why do you speak so slow? Are you retarded?"
"I said I am calling you in connection with..."
"Yes, you idiot, I heard you, I am wondering why you are talking so slowly. Are you calling from Bangladesh or from Nigeria? It seems as if you cannot speak the English very well, hey?"
"Sit, I am from Cape Town..."
"You are talking fresh baby shit, dude. I think you sit in a sweat shop somewhere in China. Why do you speak so slowly, was there some fornication in your direct ancestors?"
"Sir I am calling you in connection with your Windows computer, we need your banking details..."

Ek gee vir die nar 'n lukraak nommer en 'n heeltemal denkbeeldige bank se naam (Slow bank of Africa). Wat hy, ek vermoed in sy rekenaar intik.

"But, please, tell my why are you talking so slowly, did your father father you by your sister?"
"Sir, it is in connection with your Windows computer."
"But I do not have a Windows computer you retard. I have a doors computer"
"What do you mean a doors computer? I call in connection with the problem on your Windows computer..." Iewers begin 'n liggie aangaan.
I have a DOORS computer, not a Windows computer, are you the product of your brother and sister fornicating?" Die nar is of baie geduldig of verkeer onder dwangarbeid.

"Doors computer?"
"Doors, yes. You ring the bell, and the screen switch on. You ring two bells and it makes coffee. Three bells and you get a free wank. You should try it, no woman needed with the Doors computer."

"Fuck you." En voor ek hom beste wense kon toewens toe gooi hy die gehoorstuk in my ore neer. Ek is redelik seker ek gaan nie meer deur sy maatskappy verpes word nie.

oester

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Kommentaar

  • Oester

     Ek het slegte nuus vir jou. Het dieselfde gedoen met Ahmed as jy, behalwe dat my monoloog net baie minder oorspronklik was as joune. Uiteindelik dieselfde f*** y** as jy gekry en gedink ek is nou ontslae van hulle. Moenie glo nie, sedertdien al weer 3 oproepe gehad. Nou sit ek maar die foon neer vir so 'n minuut of wat voor hy terug gaan mikkie toe.

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